The Cost of being an NPE
I’m not talking about the $99 or whatever you paid to spit in the tube. I’m talking about the cost
– emotionally, mentally, and physically – once you got your results and had that stone-in-the-pit-of-
your-stomach feeling when you realized your life had just changed dramatically.
Only someone who has had a DNA Surprise knows what I am talking about. That feeling when
you feel everything you’ve ever known slide away from you and the blind panic that comes after it.
Those who think that a DNA Surprise changes nothing, please sit down. Because it may not seem like it
should change anything to you, but to us living through it. It does.
My first mentor was a woman who I used to frequently chat with in the small hours of the
morning when neither of us was sleeping. My chronic insomnia got so much worse after my NPE
discovery. She used to scold me and tell me to get rest, warn me about what would happen if I didn’t
take care of myself. She herself, had heart trouble after her NPE discovery. I didn’t think it would
happen to me. I’m used to high pressure situations. I’ve been a 911 Dispatcher and a paralegal. I’m
tough, even when things get to me, I don’t let people know. I’m a great actress. Everything is sunshine
and roses. Until it isn’t. In December 2019, I started having difficulty breathing. I thought it was just
pneumonia or something I picked up being around too many people. I got winded walking down the
stairs at work. In January 2020, I had to stop several times while walking through the BWI airport on the
way to meet my new niece. I went to a pulmonologist. He sent me to a cardiologist, and on Valentine’s
Day 2020, I had emergency heart surgery, or I was supposed to. I remember the doctor bending over
me and saying they were sending me to Piedmont Atlanta because it was more complicated than he
could handle at our little hospital. Valentine’s Day. You remember, the Day in 2016 I had taken the
stupid test.
I ended up having to have three stents placed in my heart. As I was lying in bed trying to laugh
and smile and make jokes with the doctors and nurses and be cooperative, I kept thinking back to those
early conversations. I thought I was safe, I made it through nearly 2 years post-discovery with no issues.
Or had I?
Here’s the part it gets real. I’m going to put out there something most people don’t know about
me. I’m going to probably get a lot of judgment and sideways looks for admitting this, but here goes. I
am what is considered high-functioning Borderline Personality Disorder. There, I’ve said it, and I own it.
High-functioning BPD tends to go unnoticed because those of us who have it, tend to be able to control
the signs and symptoms most people associate with BPD, to a point. When we get triggered, and it’s
often by very specific situations or people, it gets much harder. Borderline is caused by trauma and
abuse. Fear of abandonment – real or just imagined – is a real thing with us. My own Borderline issues
are caused by losing my mother when I was 5, being raised by a man who was grieving her loss and
absent much of the time, both physically and emotionally, and his second wife who abused me
physically, mentally, and emotionally. And even though my Dad wasn’t around a lot as a child, I loved
him, he was my hero and I just wanted to be with him and do everything he did. When I found out in
2018 that he wasn’t my biological father, my world came to a screeching halt, and I crawled into bed
and cried. I felt something break in me that day. I was inconsolable. He wasn’t always the best Dad,
but he was all I had parent-wise.
Borderline people can experience depression, anxiety, self-esteem issues, anger management
issues, self-harm, and risky behavior, but my biggest hurdle was always paranoia. I get inside my head,
and I get caught in a vicious circle of second-guessing people. Did they really mean what they said?
What did they mean? Why are they acting that way? Did I do something wrong? My paranoia feeds my
self-doubt and anxiety, causing a perfect storm of feelings of being inadequate, and then it gets
“justified” by what I believe I am observing around me. And suddenly everything is going to hell in a
handbasket and the rational part of my brain is standing off to the side observing and thinking, “What a
sh*t show, glad it isn’t me!” And realization dawns on me that it IS me and I better get in there and
SAVE myself because no one else is coming to the rescue.
Thinking about it, this is my biggest cost. More than the heart problems, the autoimmune
flares, and the migraines that have increased in frequency since my NPE Discovery, my Borderline has
become harder for me to control and gets triggered more easily.
I was diagnosed as Borderline in my 20s and have done therapy – both individual and group over
the years. I found out that group therapy was not a good place for me because – no offense – those
people were crazier than I could handle. I worked through my issues on my own, got control of the
scared child that was deep inside of me, and found my inner peace. I have even had one psychologist
evaluate me for a job with a police department and write the words “well adjusted” and “overcomes
adversity” on my evaluation. Little did she know!
My discovery shook me to the core. It brought out all those old, familiar, feelings of inadequacy,
instability, paranoia, and self-doubt that I thought I had mastered. So much for inner peace. I am
having to learn all over again on the way back to my center. Please be patient, I’m not there yet.
When I asked my brain trust of clients, I got the following responses regarding the costs they
have experienced: feeling hollow, feeling emotional, being frustrated about questions they will never
have answered, PTSD, loss of heritage, loss of existing family relationships, loss of a treasure position
with a tribe or clan counsel, heart problems, insomnia, weight gain, weight loss, high blood pressure,
broken teeth (from clenching their jaw), trust issues, anxiety, depression… the list goes on and on.
Know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. If you are experiencing mental or emotional issues, please
reach out for help. Our partners at Right to Know will be happy to connect you to someone who can
help!
Celebrating Three Years and 3500 Clients
