By our very nature, most people want to be helpful. The inclination to be helpful stems from several sources. Human beings are social creatures, and from an evolutionary perspective, those who helped and cooperated stood a better chance of surviving when humanity was in its infancy. There is a certain satisfaction in knowing that you’ve helped someone in need, people will often describe it as a warm fuzzy feeling you get from helping someone else, but it is really your brain producing oxytocin. From a young age, the values of kindness and sharing are instilled in us in our Kindergarten classrooms, and we are taught that by helping others, we can expect to receive help in return if we ask. In each of these circumstances, the person offering the assistance received gratification or reward of some sort, be it their continued existence, help in return, or just a positive feeling about themselves.
Often when a person sees someone in need, the first thing they do is offer suggestions, rather than stepping back and simply asking, “How Can I Help?” Which can prove to be a critical error on their part. We assume that from our outside perspective we can offer the expertise and advice the person may need – and while that MAY BE TRUE, the recipient has to want our expertise, and our advice. If not our words fall on deaf ears and our continued solicitousness sounds like a donkey braying to them.
Which brings me to my point here. Things not to say to a person who just made a shocking discovery of something amiss in their family tree after receiving their results from a direct to consumer DNA test, such as Ancestry or 23 & Me. These have all been spoken by people meaning well, who just want to mitigate the pain the recipient is experiencing, but instead sound like a jackass’s mating call.
The most dramatic and life-altering DNA Surprise is referred to as a Non Parental Event, or NPE. This occurs when the test taker finds out, through the results of the DNA test, that one or both parents listed on their birth certificate is not their biological parent. This could be for a number of reasons, such as being adopted as a baby and not being told about it, having been conceived through the use of donor egg or sperm, having been the product of an affair, etc.
When confiding in people this shock, their first inclination is to say something to help the person relieve their discomfort or “fix” the situation. They may not realize the depth of the issue, and their lack of understanding, fear of not doing anything and good intentions will often lead them to blurt out something completely unhelpful such as “this doesn’t change anything, your dad is still your dad.” Which from their perspective is true. Blood doesn’t necessarily make a family. If you were raised by a man who believed he was your father, loved and cared for you emotionally and physically, and accepted the role as “Dad”, then he is your Dad. But finding out that you share no genetic ties to this person can make you stop and question your whole life and everything you accepted to be true. Not only that, but it shakes your trust in your parents. Were both mom and dad complicit in this lie? These are the people who told you to always tell the truth, who taught you about trust and breaking trust, and come to find out, they have been lying to you for your entire life about your origins.
When you stop to think about everything this lie touches, it becomes mind boggling.
And it isn’t just those who have experienced an NPE who receive this treatment. I have been told by those people who were adopted and donor conceived that they often get these tone-deaf offers of assistance as well. Well intentioned people who say things that often frustrate the recipient of their wisdom.
So if you have the helpful gene, what can you do to offer your support to someone who is Adopted, Donor Conceived, or experienced and NPE to let them know you care and are supportive of them?
- Ask “How Can I Help?” This simple question lets the person know that you are open to helping, but on their terms.
- Be an active listener – If they just want someone to listen, this is easy. Ears open and mouth shut. Give them your full attention, make eye contact, use non verbal cues to let them know you are listening and interested.
- Ask open ended questions – these allow the speaker to express themselves more fully.
- Avoid judgment and forming a response while they are speaking – it’s easy to have an opinion and want to interrupt their story with your reply, but hold your thoughts until appropriate.
- Avoid some key phrases that will make you sound insensitive and callous:
- Your father is still your father.
- This doesn’t change anything.
- Are you sure?
- You’re still you.
- At least now you know.
- This explains a lot.
- Who are your real parents?
- Why were you given up for adoption?
- How much did you cost?
- You were chosen!
- Adoption is better than abortion.
- Are you a test tube baby?
- Are you going to look for your donor?
- Do you have a bunch of half siblings out there?
- Your parents really wanted you.
- Do you think you’ve ever dated a sibling?
The key to being truly supportive of a person telling you their story is empathy. Listen and validate their feelings, you don’t have to agree with them, but letting them know you hear them is important. When we are in crisis, knowing that someone is listening and truly hears our acknowledgement of our pain helps give us clarity and perspective while diffusing our emotional state and reducing our feelings of being isolated from the rest of the world. I know from my experience, my first thought when I discovered my NPE was that I was suddenly alone and that no one would understand what I was going through. And while I got some of the “noise” listed above from some of the first people I told, I also got those that listened and offered a safe space for me to vent, which helped me sort out the confusion I was experiencing and make some decisions about how I was going to move forward with this knowledge. Having a trusted circle of friends made it easier for me to pick up the pieces of my shattered identity and figure out what direction to go in. One day at a time, one step at a time.
Navigating an Emotional Journey: Coping with the Discovery of Non-Parental Event
